For your consideration…a cat with wings.

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I have noticed my hit counter in the corner creeping steadily up towards the 10,000 mark. Yes, I suppose a couple of those might have been mine checking up on the site, but I feel pleased and fuzzy inside that anyone’s taken the time to read the stuff that pours out of my ears.

In the vein of Alkelda, I shall offer a reward to the 10,000th viewer; a fruit plucked straight from my creativity shrub, if you will.

Happy viewing!

I’m a big fan of packaging. Products that have a big, shiny picture on the outside of what’s on the inside are easy to understand, leading to the phrase, “It does what it says on the tin.”

This is a club in Milton Keynes that we pass every time we head to Xscape for our excursions out on the slope.

You have to admire their honesty.

Last night I hurt myself. This is not a new thing. While trying to get out of bed this morning (not as easy as it sounds) I got to thinking about whether or not there is anyone else on the planet who has hurt themselves more than me. The only name that sprung to my mind immediately was Jackie Chan.

The reason that Jackie Chan has hurt himself more than me is that Bruce Lee has never kicked me off the top of a 20 foot wall. For this I am eternally grateful. However, when they were asking for volunteers for this particularly ludicrous stunt, a 17 year old Jackie Chan was the first with his hand in the air saying, (in Mandarin, of course)

“Please, Mr. Bruce Lee sir, most talented and twitchy of Kung Fu masters, I would be honoured for my humble chest to briefly play host to your most worshipful foot before plunging 20 feet to my almost certain death as the safety budget on this picture is about the same as you’d pay for a pack of cheese and peanut butter crackers out of the vending machine.”

Later, on a different picture, he let Bruce Lee kick him through a plate glass window.

I would have been last in line (had I been born a Chinese stuntman) for that particular assignment saying,

“Please Mr. Bruce Lee sir, most wiry and terrifying man who can wipe the floor with my entrails, may I please be the last of the approximately 840 men who attack you so that your mighty fist might be tired enough not to rupture any of my very important internal organs?”

To make a long story short, the reason Jackie Chan has hurt himself more times than me is that, while he is a phenomenal athlete and entertainer, he has very little sense of self-preservation. This is why there is now a small plastic plug where a bit of his skull used to be keeping his brains from spilling out of his head.

Most of my injuries have resulted from pure clumsiness rather than violent martial arts encounters. Last night, I had a pretty extreme wipe out on my snowboard. ( I don’t expect any sympathy. I know my track record as far as snowsports go.) What I found the most amazing about the experience is that even though it happened very quickly, I remember the thought process that went through my mind as it was happening.

9.31.01pm- My board hits a surface near the middle of the slope that is less suited for me than it is for Torville and Dean.

My brain: You are about to have a nasty accident at high speed. I hope I am not about to be severed from your spinal column, but since that appears to be the case, it has been nice working with you for the last 30 years or so.

9.31.02pm- Airborne.

My brain: This is going to hurt quite significantly. Please prepare yourself.

9.31.03-05- Impact. Impact. Impact.

My brain: Ow. Ow. Ow.

9.31.06- Stillness. Significant windknock-outage, whiplash and half the slope down my shirt.

My brain: Wow, I hope someone else saw that. There’s no point in the pain we’re about to suffer if no one witnessed what was most likely a fairly impressive stack. Okay everybody, I need damage reports stat! Fingers? Check. Collarbone. A tentative check. Neck? NECK? Hey uvula, can you give me a visual on the neck?

So here I sit, the morning after unable to turn my head or bend to my left. I am most desirous that no one attempt to sneak up on my in the next 3 days or so.

Or kick me off a wall.

There is an incredibly important world meeting taking place in Belfast this weekend that doesn’t seem to be getting the press it deserves. The 2005 World Toilet Summit is meeting to discuss critical issues such as soap (liquid vs. solid) hand dryers (electric vs. paper) and the age old lid up/lid down controversy. Can you imagine the AGM?

Speaker: And now, Number two on our agenda…

Crowd: HA HA HA HA HA!

Speaker: Do you have to do that every year?

Today I’m sad. I’m sad because I have to finally admit that it is no longer summer. I know this because when I went to the postbox down the road, I actually had to put on my shoes and a jacket.

The shoes were the real kicker. I would walk around barefoot all year round if I thought that, at some point in January, my toes might turn blue and fall off. I have carefully cultivated hobbit feet. They come out of sock hibernation as soon as the crocuses do, to tread purposefully over loose gravel and other painful surfaces to toughen them up for the event of summer, where they will be lucky to see the inside of any sort of foot covering until round about this time of year. Sadly, I felt the need to open up my sock drawer this morning to prepare my tootsies for the advent of chillier weather. In younger days, I might have been able to hold out til the end of September, but now that I’m old and crotchety and have blood pressure so low that doctors routinely ask me if I’m still breathing, socks are my friend.

In honor of the advent of sock weather, here are several sock related resources for your consideration:

The Bureau of Missing Socks- Solving that age old question of why you end up with a sock drawer full of misfits.

The Sock Shop- The most amazing fun and funky socks to keep the piggies warm in the winter.

Wikipedia- The definitive history of putting socks on your hands and pretending to make them talk to one another. The long arm of your sweatshirt is also useful for this purpose, but tends to get you in trouble with your German professor when using one in class to practice vocabulary with your neighbour.

Another little bit of Friday Fun I gaked from Clive. Take your MP3 player, whack it on “Shuffle” and let it answer the following 13 questions for you. Some of mine made me laugh out loud.

1. What do you think of me, Random Music Player?
Oh Well-Kenny Wayne Shepherd

Nice to know that I inspire indifference in those around me.

2. Will I have a happy life?
Rat in a Cage- Smashing Pumpkins

We’re not off to a great start here.

3. What do my friends really think of me?
Food and Creative Love-Rusted Root

This explains all the dinner parties and affectionate interpretive dance recitals.

4. What does my S.O. think of me?
Book of Love-Peter Gabriel

Result!

5. Do people secretly lust after me?
Nobody’s Girl-Bonnie Raitt

Weak.

6. How can I make myself happy?
Cold Water- Damien Rice

The iPod has obviously never experienced my near boiling point showers. I’m such a wuss, I’d rather not shower than have cold water cascade over my body. EVERYONE who turns on a shower after I’ve been in it ends up doing a naked, “OW HOT HOT HOT!” dance around the bathroom.

7. What should I do with my life?
Nowhere Fast-Bryan Adams

That planned to move to Silverstone is off then.

8. Why must life be so full of pain?
All Because of You- U2

Yet another ringing endorsement of my existence.

9. How can I maximize my pleasure during sex?
(No joke)Wake Up- Alanis Morrisette

This usually does it for most people.

10. Can you give me some advice?
Walk On Down- Aerosmith

Down the street? Down the alley? To Australia?

11. What do you think happiness is?
Closer To Fine-Indigo Girls

Getting closer every day.

12. Do you have any advice to give over the next few hours/days?.
Hiccup-Pink

Has anyone ever had a really extended period of hiccups? It can make you want to kill yourself.

13. Will I die happy?
Casey Jones-The Grateful Dead

Driving the train, high on cocaine…how could I not?

Here’s a little Friday morning meme. It’s harder than I expected:

- Find your favourite, all-time greatest, FIRST LINE of a movie.
- Find your favourite, all-time greatest line FROM THE BODY of a movie.
- Find your favourite, all-time greatest LAST LINE of a movie.
- Then, using ONLY the words from these quotes, (but not all if you don’t need them) come up with the ALL-TIME GREATEST MOVIE LINE EVER. Extra kudos for creative context!

First Line, from Mallrats:
Brody: (vo) “One time, my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass. True story.”

Body Line, from Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead:
The Player King: “We’re actors. We are the opposite of people.”

Last Line, from Amedeus:
Salieri: “Mediocrities everywhere, now and to come: I absolve you all! Amen! Amen! Amen!”

The All-time greatest movie line ever:

The Leading Player of the Happy Valley Sanitorium Amateur Dramatic Society, Willard Lobach, addresses the disheartened cast of his musical version of The Persecution and Assassination of Jean-Paul Marat as Performed by the Inmates of the Asylum of Charenton Under the Direction of the Marquis de Sade (Working title: Let’s All Stab That Guy in the Bathtub!)

Willard: “People now and to come! We’re actors! True mediocrities! The opposite of my cat Walter. Amen!

Phew!

All of us look for some order in the chaos once in a while. I imagine this even applies to my iPod.

Obviously rebelling against the permanantly turned on “shuffle” feature or possibly trying to inform me of it’s awakening sentience, I was treated, one after the other, to Better Man by Thunder, Better Man by Robbie Williams and Better Man by Pearl Jam.

Either that or it’s hitting on me.