So we have a franking machine in the office.

As a company that sends out mostly large parcels of complicated equipment, the machine is used for the fairly limited amount of paper correspondence that goes out. In the instances that it works, it’s kind of groovy, but in far MORE instances, it sits there and chuckles at us while we vainly try to find the right Street Fighter type button combo to keep it from performing maintenance on itself.

A small example:

Frank: PLEASE PRINT TEST FORM.

Me: Oh ffs. *prints test form*

Frank: INSPECTION DUE- REFILL REQUIRED.

Me: But…you just had plenty of ink to print the test form.

Frank: OH YEAH.

Me: But you can’t print the actual POSTAGE.

Frank: YOU GOT IT.

Me: No, seriously, I really need to send this thing. You obviously have plenty of ink.

Frank: TRY PRINTING ANOTHER TEST FORM.

Me: Erm….okay. *prints another successful test form*

Frank: INSPECTION DUE- REFILL REQUIRED.

Me: What the HELL, Frank?

Frank: I LIVE BY OFFERING FALSE HOPE. A HA HA HA! HA HA HA!

Me: You do realize that Royal Mail does on-line postage, right?

Frank: A HA HA HA EXSQUEEZE ME?

Frank’s days are sincerely numbered.

…for yet another dose of pant wetting hysteria. Clearly, since the economy has been showing small, green tendrils of recovery, it was time to get us good and scared again.

Exhibit A: SARS. IT WILL FREAKING KILL US ALL.

Not so much.

Exhibit B: Bird Flu. OH MY GOD, SERIOUSLY, YOU GUYS, THIS IS THE BIG ONE.

Bird Flu what?

Exhibit C: Swine Flu. I KNOW WE WERE WRONG ABOUT THE LAST TWO, BUT HONEST TO GOD, FOLKS, WE’RE JUMPING OUT THE WINDOW RIGHT NOW INSTEAD OF PERISH IN THE APOCALYPSE TO COME! *crash* AIEEEEEE!

Let’s take a look at the facts. The main outbreak has taken place in Mexico, a country in which 40% of the population lives below the MEXICAN poverty line, which, let’s face it, is probably a fair amount lower than the poverty line in Great Britain or the United States and in a city with sewage problems and a staggering street population. How many of these people do you think have access to health care? Clean water? Basic sanitation? Of course, what I am missing is the data as to the cross section of the population that is being affected by the Flu. Are they, as one might suspect, the poor? I find it odd that this information has not been made available. Not only that, but of the 100 or so fatalities, only 40 or so of those have been confirmed to have been due to the virus.

The information which IS being broadcast is that the cases of Swine Flu are rapidly mounting up in countries all over the world. As of yet, none of these cases have been fatal or even particularly virulent, tragically, apart from a young Mexican child in the US who was most likely brought across the border to keep her away from the illness.

The media is seriously in danger of becoming the boy who cried pandemic.

However, saying all that, I sit here with loathing in my heart, because I have the flu and I let them scare me. I haven’t been this ill in a long time. To borrow a turn of phrase from Dave Barry, this is the kind of sick where I can feel each individual air molecule smashing against me at speed. The duvet protects me some of the time, but they find their way in, the bastards, and cannon back and forth between the inside of the covers and any exposed surface of skin, which is unbelievably tender to the touch.

I can hear things happening in the flat. The Rock Star is a supreme nurse and babysitter, but I know that after two solid days, his veneer is beginning to peel a little and demands for “MORE SESAME STREET!” are often met with beleaguered acceptance, because he’s still got work to do and I can’t sit up for periods of more than 20 minutes at a time.

So, I lie in my bed, listen to the train of thought conversations of my daughter in the lounge and think fluey thoughts.

Have I got it? That guy who sneezed near me in Tesco yesterday; had he been to Cancun recently? Maybe one of the kids from Wren’s nursery?

God damn you, media. We will just have to see.

So, everyone’s having trouble with money at the moment, but can I just have an ever so small moan?

WHY IN THE NAME OF HOLY HELL SHOULD I BE ASKED TO PAY FOR MY DAUGHTER TO GO TO NURSERY ON DAYS WHEN A) SHE’S NOT THERE AND B) NO OTHER FUCKER IS THERE EITHER? EXCUSE ME? I’M PAYING FOR DAYS WHEN SHE IS NOT ONLY ABSENT BUT THE ESTABLISHMENT IN QUESTION IS CLOSED??? HOW IS THAT EVEN A LITTLE BIT LEGAL?

Screaming over. Fuming remaining.

I don’t like to shill for enormous corporations, but I have to admit that our Skybox is pretty nifty. While browsing through the Anytime TV feature this morning, the Rock Star found the entirety of President Bush’s interview with a red sock wearing Sky correspondent and decided to have a gander at what our Chimp-in-Chief had to say for himself.The Rock Star is a better man that I in the sense that I have trouble watching interviews with Bush without throwing up in my mouth a little.

“You need to KNOW your enemy, Potamus,” he says sagely. Yeah, all I need to know is that my enemy is like a drunk teenager at the wheel of an enormous pick up truck that he has just crashed into a deep ditch. Scarier still are those Chinese guys at the edge of the gully going, “Hey, you want that we should dig you out?”

What opens up the bottomless pit of fear in my stomach most is watching the man speak. He’s the guy that sits next to you at your favorite bar who you’d happily attend a cookout with, but wouldn’t trust to lend him your lawnmower, let alone your economy. He lacks presidential-ness. He is utterly devoid of gravitas. And yet, he has been given the helm of one of the most powerful nations on earth and allowed to treat it as his playground for the last 8 years.

It truly boggles the mind.

Could someone please explain to me why this piece of human sputum, this canker on the face of an already ugly music industry, this waste of perfectly good skin, this oxygen thief, this “scrawny no-cock junkie” IS STILL NOT IN PRISON BEING RITUALLY SODOMISED BY HIS FELLOW INMATES?

“Bush Libby Move Angers Democrats”

JUST THE DEMOCRATS?

Every citizen of the United States should be trying to beat down the doors of the White House at this very moment. There may be snipers on the roof, but dammit, they’ve only got a limited number of shots before they have to reload.